Comments, Connectedness, and Kindness

I wonder why people feel so free to be outright a-holes, mean sons of bunches, and screaming ranting judgmental karens out to intentionally destroy some innocent person’s reality.

We’re All Connected with the Great Circle of Life

I’m thinking about the comments we all make online — on Medium, Substack and other article sites, social media — from Facebook to X to instagram and tiktok.

What gives people permission to be so mean?
What makes them think that’s OK?

I wonder — if that person being so horrid was saying those things in front of their mother, would they still be saying it?

As a kid, if I said anything in the least bit mean, I’d find myself thrown over a sink with my mother lathering brown laundry soap in my mouth, saying, “this’ll teach you not to say such things!”

And it did! It only takes one mouthful of that nasty crap to make you permanently vigilant about what emerges from your lips. I see a whole lot of folks online who I’d like to subject to the same treatment.

Do the people who are so mean rejoice that Mom is no longer hovering over them, making sure they don’t utter such crippling things?

Maybe they didn’t have a mom like mine, who cared that I became a positive, contributing element of the Great Circle of Life.

Or maybe those hurtful people are so hurt, so damaged inside, that they get their yayas off by hurting others.

How did they get so damaged? Maybe their mom or dad were so mean to them as little kids that their poor little souls got crushed beyond repair. I know you’ve heard the saying, “hurt people hurt people.” Is EVERYone who makes sharp, hurtful comments online simply a hurt soul?

But that doesn’t hold water — I know a lot of damaged folks who are more kind than Santa. Why aren’t they raving a-holes?

Sometimes I think some people are so profoundly damaged there’s no redemption in this lifetime. Like maybe they need to die and come back so they get another chance to learn how to be civil.

I refuse to believe that hurtful people are evil and born that way, and there is no salvation for them.

In my work as an emotions coach, there have been some who were so terribly hurt I secretly doubted their ability to reconnect with their core soul selves — but they did. And it was magnificent. So it takes a whole helluva lot to get me to believe anyone is inherently bad.

Lately I’ve been been practicing protecting my inner peace by reducing time on social media — articles, comments, videos, recordings — all of it.

Sure, I’m like anyone else — I get hooked into the dopamine rush of watching endless videos and reels — but at the end, I get up from my chair completely drained.

I look back on the 1,2,3 or 6-hour span of irreplaceable time I just spent, and ask myself, what the hell did I just DO? Did I gain anything from click-click-clicking through all that stuff?

Nope.

My mind says, oh yes you did! You learned about ___ and ___ , and wasn’t seeing ___ cool when she did ___ ?!?

Well. Maybe so. But –

My life energy is more important than those things.
Using my energy for creativity is more important.
My inner peace is more important.

I’m sick and tired of reading mean things, hearing mean things, witnessing mean things.

I want there to be a civilness turnaround.

It’s time to take a step back, look at what we are saying and meaning, and change the tune.

We have to decide to change, and then actually DO it.

How?

• Decide to stop being so critical!
• Decide to stop being so mean, pouring scorching emotional lava all over people. Are you trying to hurt them? Or are you simply trying to push against your own pain? I’m here to tell you, it doesn’t work.
• Decide to stop thinking you know all the answers, that you are Right.
• Decide to stop arrogantly pronouncing this-is-how-it-is, and start listening and appreciating others’ realities.

Once we decide to stop reacting, we can respond.
Reacting comes from pain.
Responding comes from creativity.

Once we stop knee-jerk reacting out of attempting to protect ourselves, we can start to build a new reality of creativity and life-affirming actions.

Start being more kind.
Start really listening.

• Start looking to see where someone is a gift to life — and tell them how you think so.
• Start seeing how they are contributing, and congratulate them.
• Start thanking people for telling their truth — even if you disagree with their ideas. Have a discussion about it, rather than an argument.

• Put peace first — practice offering your own ideas in ways that don’t seek to destroy anyone else’s.
• Look to find one thing you like about what someone said, even if you disagree with most or even all of the rest of it.

• Pinpoint the positive, and thank them for it.
• Tell someone how much you appreciate them.
• See if anything someone said surprised you, and tell them.
• Did you learn something from them? Tell them about it.

Why do I say tell them, and thank them?
Because they don’t know!

Did you know that many people who do positive things have no idea how they impact the rest of us? They’re often really surprised — and pleased — when you tell them and thank them!

Here’s how to make powerful, effective comments on Medium:
• Look for something to highlight that pleased you, or taught you something. Highlight it, and then tell the author.
• Give their story 50 claps. Think how you feel when someone gives you fifty claps — it’s awesome, right? Give that back to those you’ve read. Unless, of course, you didn’t like what you read . . .
• Don’t make your comment on their story a summary of what you just read. The writer already knows the info! Instead, find one thing you liked, and say so.
• Is English your second language? There’s no need to write a lot — just say something like, “I liked this, it made my heart feel good.” Or, “this helped me learn something new.” Easy.
• Tell us if it excited new possibilities in your mind.
• Could you relate to what was said? Say so!
• Share how you feel about something in the story. Write from “I” — like,
“Oh! I thought that was so scary!”
Or, “wow, you really did that? I’d be so intimidated!”
Or, “that was so exciting! I felt goosebumps all over me when I read that!”
Or, “thanks for sharing that, I really needed to read that right now!”

We writers sit all alone with our words climbing onscreen or snaking onto the paper, and that’s our full reality in that moment. We have no idea how people will react, or what they will say or do in response to what we have said. Sometimes it’s a complete surprise!

When you comment, you are instantly connected to us.

We read your comment, and you are IN our world *right then* — are you boring? Scathing? Rude? Careless? Fun? Educational? Appreciative?
I invite you to make that connection personal, fun, heartfelt, positive, exciting or creative!

You are IN my studio with me right now — how about that!

When you comment on my post, will my mother want to get out the soap and bend you over the sink for a shocking mouthwash?

Or will she invite you to come sit with us and have fun discussing something of interest to us all?

Please give us the heart-based gift of you, even if it’s only a few words.

That would be so much better than something that tears us down or has little meaning.

If you really disagree with something a writer says, instead of tearing them apart in comments, write an article about it, and express your own views!

It’s time to be more civil, and share our appreciation for not just someone’s expression in a story or article, but for all the wonderful things in life that are all around us, all the time.

When you think in terms of connectivity, everything changes.

Life gets less lonely. Less difficult. You open up more, and expect good things to happen. And they do!

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Thanks so much for reading my story. I appreciate you!

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